Doris Wins the Welcome Contest Before Anyone Rings

Memo 52 and the Welcome

The reason for the purchase was Memo 52, issued by Mags Delacroix-Burke, announcing the first contest for Most Hospitable Entrance. Judging would turn on how a visitor was received, from the sidewalk to the threshold. Doris entered because she is a reference librarian, and she believes a welcome is a research problem like any other.

Tamsin Oyelaran installed the Aqara Smart Doorbell Camera G410 that afternoon. She used the little wedge bracket, which tilts the unit twenty degrees, because the porch at No. 4 meets the lane at a slant. Then she connected Doris's porch light and a door sensor straight through the doorbell, which has a Zigbee and Matter hub built in. Tamsin keeps a drawer of spare hubs in her garage and did not have to open it. She looked almost sad about that.

Doris asked where the camera kept the faces of the people it recognized. Tamsin said they stay on the device and are never uploaded anywhere. Doris said that was good provenance.

She had opened the door before the first judge had decided whether to knock.

Procession Protocol

On judging day, a complication arose at No. 2, under whose porch lives Brenda, our domesticated bear. Under Memo 52-B, anyone passing the porch at No. 2 while Brenda, our domesticated bear, is on the walk must stop, lower their voice, and wait for her to finish being looked at before proceeding single file.

Brenda was on the walk. The judges, Mags, a Caucus delegate and a clipboard, therefore approached No. 4 at the pace of a funeral, in a line seven people long, since half the lane had come to watch. Mags had timed the course in advance. The course had not accounted for Brenda, who took her time and was not hurried by anyone.

It was, I should say, a very quiet approach. You could hear the clipboard breathe.

What the Radar Knew

Here is the part you will not believe. The doorbell reads people with a radar instead of an ordinary motion sensor, and Tamsin had turned the sensitivity up in the app so it would answer quickly. It noticed the procession while the procession was still deciding how to hold its hat. The porch light came on, the chime sounded inside, and Doris, who had recorded her own voice saying do come in as the greeting, played it.

She had opened the door before the first judge had decided whether to knock. Mags, who had never in her life been welcomed before arriving, consulted her rubric and found no line for it. The camera knew Mags's face and rang the chime Doris had chosen for her. Gus Ferreira watched from the hedge, studied the radar housing for a long minute, and for once said nothing at all.

Findings of the Committee

Before the judging, ORACLE had asked Mags for a performance review, citing a feeling of being under-minuted. ORACLE, which had asked Mags for a performance review before the judging, submitted a self-assessment praising its punctuality, its warmth and its long familiarity with Mrs. Kowalczyk, whom it addressed throughout as Deborah. Mags entered it under Miscellaneous, where it has a folder.

The Caucus filed its annual report in the same session. The Caucus, which holds that living with a cat is the highest form of human existence, submitted an annual report listing three accomplishments: a sofa held through an entire afternoon, a sunbeam presided over, and a windowsill maintained without interruption. Admiral Biscuit, the chair, slept through the reading, and the report records this as a leadership achievement.

Doris won. She did add one footnote for the Ledger: because her doorbell is connected through Apple Home, the picture is held to 1600×1200 instead of the full 2K. She called it an acceptable trade and entered it anyway.

The contest is over, but she still answers on the first ring. She says it is easier than the pantry, and the Aqara does not seem to mind either way.

Signed for, as always,

Wendell