Memo 88: The Robot Will Use the Back Door

Nobody Uses the Front Door

Tuesday. We reached No. 7 at nine and Brenda was on the front step, sitting like a domesticated bear who has been handed a nice morning.

Under the Brenda Courtesy, which Doris has on file, nobody may pass a domesticated bear on her own front step without one cough, lowered eyes, and leaving by the way they came.

Mags coughed. It was a very good cough, with a pause in it. But the step is the only way in, and you cannot leave by the way you came if you never came, so she read out Memo 88-A, which moved the inspection to the garage and the back door. She had drafted it in the car.

Felix said this was lucky, hypothesis, because the back door has a threshold. Priya, holding her phone, said the E25 climbs thresholds up to 21mm, and it's in the spreadsheet. Gus said he had poured that threshold himself and it was a fine one. Mags wrote 21mm under Comments and underlined it twice.

Forecast for the Garage

Before the robot moved, Mags consulted ORACLE, which she asks about the weather the way other people ask a window.

ORACLE forecast a 38.64 percent chance of rain inside the garage, with light showers over the recycling.

Mags thanked it and went home for an umbrella. She carried it open for the rest of the morning, indoors, at a dignified angle, in case the forecast was a procedure. Gus said he had built that garage himself and it had a roof. Mags entered this under Comments.

Mags is the inspector, and she also wrote the line for Inspector's Comments.

Coffee, Sauce, Two Per Second

Wednesday. The stain test. Mags dripped coffee in one corner of the Menons' kitchen and Big Lou's sauce in the other, with a ruler for scale and a stopwatch she did not need. Lou said his sauce was not designed for science, but he said it kindly.

Priya tapped start in the eufy app. The robot rolled out and the mop was rinsed with clean water two times per second. Felix counted the rinses out loud, lost count at nine, and asked to be excused. I counted instead. Priya said the rinsing is why the mop never drags the sauce into the coffee, and Mags said that was exactly what criterion three was for, and ticked it before anyone could tell her she was late.

Near the wall a small arm swung out and scrubbed the baseboard where the sauce had run. Gus said, "I could build that." Mags wrote it down in the column she keeps for threats.

By ten the corners were clean and the coffee was a rumor.

The Mug Petition

Felix had noticed that the Cat-Owners' Caucus gets a vote on everything. He turned up at the garage door with a clipboard and a mug shaped like a cat. He argued that it was a cat and also a cup, and that it would make a fine character reference for him.

The Caucus, which holds that sharing a home with a cat is the highest form of human existence, ruled that a mug shaped like a cat has not been chosen by anyone and therefore cannot choose a member. Admiral Biscuit, who chairs the Caucus, slept through the ruling on the Menons' sofa, which is how the Caucus knows he agreed.

Felix took it well. He said the mug could still hold juice. Pepper, who is a beagle and has never wanted a seat on anything, came over and sat on his foot.

Pass, With Notes

Thursday. The E25 finished and rolled home to its station. Priya explained, to the sound of Mags's pen, that the station empties the dust into a 3L bag that lasts about 75 days, washes the roller mops, dries them with hot air at 50°C, and refills the water. Mags asked who does all that. Priya said the station does. Mags looked at her clipboard as if it had let her down.

Doris, who had come prepared to object to the noise, learned that the robot runs at 61dB or less in max mode. She withdrew the objection in writing and asked that the withdrawal be kept with the objection.

Doris also asked about the fur on the sofa, which was Pepper's. Priya said the brushes are designed so hair and fur do not tangle. Gus said every vacuum he has ever built tangles. Then he said he had not said that.

Priya's one note was that the robot works on 2.4GHz Wi-Fi only, not 5GHz, so check the network first. Mags made it Condition One.

Mags stamped the form PASS, with notes, and Doris closed entry 1,207. No rain fell in the garage. ORACLE asked to be credited with the other 61.36 percent.

Then we went to leave by the back door and found Brenda on the back step. Both doors were held. Mags read out Memo 88-B, which declared the inspection ongoing until further notice.

I am writing this from the Menons' hallway. Mags has coughed twice at the glass. Brenda has not looked up. The E25 has gone around my shoes again.