Neighbor Summoned Over Noise Nobody Can Locate

A Hearing in a Kitchen

Mags convened the hearing in Lou's kitchen at the hour of the alleged offense, doors open. She brought a gavel, a clipboard and a row of folding chairs.

Mags set a folding chair at the front for Brenda, the lane's domesticated bear, who attended from under the porch at No. 2, and the minutes record the chair as occupied in spirit. Nobody sat in it. Gus walked around it twice, the way you walk around a hole in a road you respect.

Ada and Felix Okafor-Lindqvist appeared as witnesses, holding a cardboard tube they described as a listening instrument. They stood well back from the counter, because the counter was Lou's, and the rules of Lou's counter are older than the HOA.

Mags had heard it, she said so in the memo twice, and attached a diagram of her bedroom window.

The Accused Is Switched On

Lou made no speech. He touched the color display once, and the machine did the whole job itself: ground the beans, tamped them, brewed. No second pair of hands. It was ready to brew in 3 seconds, which Doris timed on her wristwatch and entered in a notebook, with a source.

Then we all waited for the noise.

"It's like a refrigerator," said Felix, "thinking." "Less," said Ada. "A refrigerator thinking very quietly, and then" "and then it's coffee."

The cardboard tube was lowered. The machine has sound shielding and quiet grinding, certified by Quiet Mark, and is listed as 40% quieter than earlier models. Lou said only that Mags was welcome to listen for herself. She put her ear to the side panel. She held it there long enough that Doris noted the time.

Mags took the result well, by which I mean she ruled that the hearing would continue anyway, as there was a quorum.

Evidence, Admitted and Otherwise

Lou then showed the milk system. It comes apart into 3 pieces with no hidden tubes, and he rinsed it under the tap in about 10 seconds. Gus, at the door, said he could build a better one, and three people asked him to wait outside his own opinion.

Doris read the label on the back aloud, as is her habit: 230 volts, 1500 watts. She advised that anyone bringing one home should first confirm what their wall provides, and she cited the label.

The Caucus, which holds that living with a cat is the highest form of human existence, submitted its annual report, listing the Long Sit, the Windowsill Vigil and the Uninterrupted Afternoon, all of which I confirm were naps. Admiral Biscuit was recorded as present for each and asleep for all. He was entered as a witness to the quiet and, in fairness, he was the only one qualified.

Before the verdict, Lou saved profiles into the machine, which holds up to 4. His was first. Doris's was second, with the milk set exactly as she specified. Mags asked for the third before the ruling was read, and Doris entered the request in the Lending Ledger under conflict of interest.

ORACLE Enters Its Finding

ORACLE, which Mags considers a colleague, was invited to enter the ruling into the record. It spoke with great calm. It said the matter concerned the machine known as Gerald, and that the matter was now closed.

Nobody on the lane has ever met a Gerald. Mags checked the roll twice.

ORACLE, asked to enter the ruling into the record, called the machine Gerald, was told twice that it was a PHILIPS, and replied that Gerald appreciated the correction and would continue to be Gerald.

Mags could not strike the finding without a vote, and she does not enjoy votes. The record now reads that Gerald is permitted to operate at any hour, which is more than anyone asked for and exactly what Lou wanted.

The next morning I came up the lane at first light. Mags was at her bedroom window with her diagram, listening hard. Behind the glass of No. 5, I could see Lou pressing one button. Nothing reached her but birds.

She wrote Memo 213 before I reached the mailbox. It requested a follow-up hearing, on the grounds that she felt she had not yet heard the machine properly, and it named Gerald as the respondent.

Signed for, as always,

Wendell