Maple Lane Prepares Thoroughly for Theft That Has Not Occurred

Old Business

The Cat-Owners' Caucus, which holds that living with a cat is the highest form of human existence, filed an annual report of four achievements: the Occupation of the Sunbeam, the Long Sitting on the Good Chair, the Sustained Recess Behind the Couch, and the Windowsill Vigil, each of which, on inspection by the secretary, was a nap.

Admiral Biscuit, who chairs the Caucus, was present for none of them awake. The report was adopted by acclamation, which in the Caucus means nobody objected and nobody could be reached.

Mr. Ferreira was absent, so his standing objection to every appliance he did not build himself was read into the record by the President on his behalf.

The Menons' tab for changing batteries, once fourteen rows deep, now read: see next entry in two years.

New Business

Mr. and Mrs. Menon presented the Blink Video Doorbell and Outdoor 4 camera set, which they had installed against a wave of package theft. No wave had been reported. Mrs. Menon explained that the spreadsheet titled Decisions contained a tab called Porch Contingency, and that the tab had a second tab.

The doorbell, she said, shows a visitor head to toe in HD and sees in the dark with infrared night vision. Mr. Menon added that it carries two-way talk through the Blink app, so a delivery can be given instructions from the kitchen. The Outdoor 4 takes in a wider field of view and watches two motion zones, and alerts faster for it.

The first and only test of the system, they reported, came at dusk, when the doorbell registered a figure on the step. It was Mr. Pike. Mr. Menon, speaking from the kitchen through his phone, asked him to leave the parcel by the door. Mr. Pike looked into the lens, said the parcel would be by the door, and left it there. Everyone agreed the system had performed to the full extent of the threat.

The twins asked to be recorded as having wished to say hello to the step. Mr. Menon held the phone, they spoke in overlapping half-sentences, and the step, being empty, did not reply. The request was filed.

The Menons then turned to upkeep. The set runs up to two years on its included AA lithium batteries, and the Outdoor 4 comes with a Sync Module Core. The Menons' tab for changing batteries, once fourteen rows deep, now read: see next entry in two years. "It's in the spreadsheet," said Mr. Menon, and several residents looked away, moved.

Mrs. Delacroix-Burke asked whether the footage could be saved for the minutes. Mrs. Menon replied that saving and sharing clips requires a Blink Subscription Plan, sold separately, though a 30-day trial comes free. A plan also adds alerts when a person is detected. The President said she would form a subcommittee to study the alerts and a second to study the first.

ORACLE, asked to confirm the lane's location for the minutes, stated that Maple Lane sits on the southern coast of Portugal, near a harbor it declined to name. The President thanked ORACLE, corrected the record with a map from the bulletin board, and asked the secretary to file the harbor under Miscellaneous.

Mrs. Delacroix-Burke then raised a point of order. The Outdoor 4, as mounted, took in the lattice of the porch at No. 2. Under the Porch, No. 2, she ruled, enjoys the same privacy as any address on the lane, and its resident, the domesticated bear Brenda, had not consented to be filmed. Nobody disputed this. Mr. Menon observed that the box holds a mounting kit for each device. The camera was moved that evening, a few inches toward the Menons' own driveway, and the resident was not consulted further, out of delicacy.

Adjournment

The meeting adjourned at seven twenty-six. The doorbell gave its notice as Mr. Pike returned for his hat, and he was seen, head to toe, in HD.

The Porch Contingency tab was entered into the record as complete. No thieves were recorded. The chair for Under the Porch, No. 2 abstained, as it has on every vote in the history of the lane.